the way i see it: modesty.

bare shoulders = bare soul?

i'm going to try to write about things that matter. mostly because it makes me a better writer, but also because i really think i make a lot of sense sometimes. and that people should listen to me. "you're so vain" is playing in your head right now. so sue me.
about two weeks ago, some girl in the tanner building on campus was handed a note from a male stranger about her clothing choice. apparently, her leggings, mid-thigh length dress, and long-sleeved cardigan was just throwing this guy into a horny fit. i think his exact words were: "you need to think about your choices -- many people come to this school to feel safe both morally and physically." as if her leggings were going to cause bodily injury? and if this guy is having issues controlling his thoughts over leggings and cardigans, what does he do at the beach? or at the pool? now here's the thing: i understand that byu has a dress code and an honor code. and i understand that as students, we sign and agree to it. but here's my problem: modesty is not about measurements. it's just not.
sometimes i like to think about the things i will teach my daughters. i think that i will teach them that a man's actions speak volumes more than his words. i hope i will teach them to respect their bodies. i hope i will teach them to find men who respect their minds, men who value them as equals. i hope i teach them to be smart and independent and fierce friends and to be girls with purpose. and i also hope to teach them about modesty and having purpose in the way they dress and present themselves.
i'm not proud to admit it, but there have been times in my life where i have used my body to get attention. there have been outfits i've chosen and things i've worn that i put on with the intentions to raise eyebrows and get second glances. looking back, i can so clearly see that the boys i picked up while dressed as a scantily clad butterfly were hardly worth my time and mostly just ended up making me cry. and although this is almost an impossible lesson to teach someone without them experiencing it themselves, i hope that i will teach my daughters to avoid this scenario completely; to dress for themselves, to dress to attract the right kind of people. to quote my man drake here: "you don't do it for the men, men never notice. you just do it for yourself."
the way i see it, modesty is exactly about that - purpose. not measurements.
i just frankly refuse to think that sewing on sleeves to a dress makes it modest. just like i refuse to think that a skirt three inches above the knee cap is any less modest than a skirt .5 inches above the knee cap. it's just not practical. and what is this teaching our youth, our children? that modesty is about measurements. that adding two inches of fabric magically makes what you're wearing acceptable?
someday in the far future, i know i will sit with my daughter in some store, trying to help her find a prom dress. and i know that some will be sleeveless and some will be strapless and some will be backless and if she's my daughter, she will probably be drawn to the hoochie ones. or the sparkly ones. and i hope that in that moment, when my daughter is wearing something that i might think is a little bit, mature, for my comfort, i ask my daughter what her purpose is in choosing that dress. and if her purpose is to get her date's teenage hormones roaring in the back of the limo, it's probably not a winner. but if her purpose is to look classy and beautiful and adult, for the first time in her life, it's going to be a hit. you see, even if a dress doesn't have sleeves, it can still be modest. even if a girl wears leggings, she can still be modest.
in the church, modesty is often taught from a skewed perspective. we teach our young women that modesty is about "helping to keep boys' thoughts clean." and although i could probably write a whole novel on how much i hate this concept, tonight i will keep it concise.
modesty is not about men, because men are not barbarians. and as much as society thinks so, men aren't thinking about sex 110% of the time. they're just not. our friend in the tanner building has obviously got some serious personal issues going on, because out of all the men i've dated and all the men i've known, i can name only one who had such serious issues controlling his thoughts. and let me tell you, it was his problem (one of many), and it had nothing to do with me or what i was wearing. why are we teaching our girls to think of men as sex-crazed psychos, controlled by the measurements of our clothing? it seems like such a double standard, that men hold the priesthood, that men predominantly serve missions, that men are the heads of a household...but they are sex-crazed animals, ready to attack at the sight of a bare shoulder.
let's get serious, mormon culture. let's get serious.